Grief and Loss

Almost everyone has been touched by some loss during the pandemic and with the many stressful events in the world this year. I lost my father 4 weeks ago. While I have experienced grief and loss myself, supported others through it and understand it from the “clinical” perspective as a provider, this recent loss has given me a very personal and different perspective on it.

A Swiss psychiatrist, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, has famously described 5 common “stages of grief”:

1. Denial and isolation

2. Anger

3. Bargaining

4. Depression

5. Acceptance

Whatever the loss and whether it’s sudden or expected, we have come to understand that these stages are not linear. People can move through these various stages and grieve in different ways and there is no one “order” to it. Some people experience only one or some of these stages and often people vacillate between different stages. One of my clients described a “grief bomb” that hit her when she finally had a moment to breathe years after a loss when her youngest child was finally able to not need eyes on her at every single moment. With my father’s decline over the past years and in particular, the past months, I had come to a place of acceptance. However, I experienced a shift into some of the other stages- Anger and Depression. I also experienced another stage not listed above0 a type of near exhilaration and relief after realizing that the energy being put into his care was no longer needed by myself and other family members. After taking some time to explore these feelings, I am back in Acceptance, at least for this moment.

I read the stages above and think that one should be called “Exhaustion.” At first glance, it may seem as if this could go with depression. But my experience the first week after he died was of such profound exhaustion that it was entirely different from depression. There was almost no thought or feeling with it, just a physical feeling. My aunt described her loss of a parent as “like being hit by a mac truck.” Or to me it felt like the moment you get the wind knocked out of you and you can’t breathe but in this case, it keeps going and somehow your body keep living. For me at times it was like being pulled underwater or having to wear a suit of metal that weighs you down so you feel like every movement takes excruciating energy.

One thing that I have learned about loss is that there is no way to “prepare” for it. In CBT we talk about the idea that the mind tries to prepare for difficult future situations by “thinking them through”, often over and over again. It can give us the false perception of control over a situation that is uncontrollable. Although I have understood for months that I was losing my father, I was not prepared for it even though I counsel people grieving, have lost loved ones and intellectually understand that “preparation” for any intense event is some futile. I have been grieving for my father for quite some time. Months ago making pasta, a the smell of garlic in hot oil from the kitchen reminded me of nights he cooked and I was all of a sudden sobbing, with an intense desire to call him. I couldn’t reach him and just had to sit with the feeling and try to appreciate how he instilled a love of cooking into a big bowl of pasta on Saturday nights.

Grief looks and feels different depending on your relationship with the person who died. Were you close or distant? Was it generally positive and healthy? Were there problems? Was trauma a part of this relationship? Did you learn things about them from others after they died that were positive? Painful? Was it a mix of all of the above? I spoke with a friend who said she still hasn’t really cried at her father’s death. It may hit her later or it may not. We don’t know. Her parents went through a very painful and traumatic divorce when she was a teenager and she spent many years and therapy sessions “grieving” that loss.

I still don’t know what lies ahead in my own grief journey. I am trying to be open to what comes and stay connected to others and connected to what is important to me. I am grateful for friends, family and colleagues support. I am grateful to be able to work and support others who are suffering.

There are many losses in life and during this stressful time in our world. Please reach out if you need help. At CBTDenver, we offer many ways to process grief and loss, whatever it looks like in your world.

-Antonia