Self-Compassion: Why it’s helpful and How it’s used in therapy

Have you noticed that it is typically easier to be kind and compassionate toward others than to yourself? Most of us talk to ourselves in a harsher and more critical manner than we do with others. For example, let’s say you think you did a poor job on a work presentation. You may tell yourself, “You idiot! You should have prepared more. What’s wrong with you?!” Yet, if a friend tells you they did poorly on a presentation you may say something like, “That’s disappointing and it happens. I’m sure you did the best you could in the moment. The next presentation will likely go better.” You criticize and berate yourself, yet acknowledge, validate, and encourage your friend.

Concern for yourself

Compassion is defined as having concern for the suffering or misfortune of others, and self-compassion is compassion turned inward. It comes from the understanding that all humans have challenges. This commonality connects us to others and reminds us that having difficult experiences are a natural part of being human. They do not represent a personal flaw or deficit.

Why do I have bad thoughts?

Self-criticism is a barrier to self-compassion, and it can keep us stuck in unhelpful thoughts and experiences, making it more difficult to move through challenges. It is common to believe that self-criticism increases motivation and leads to self-improvement, whereas self-compassion decreases desire to improve oneself. However, research shows the opposite is true. A 2012 study demonstrated that participants in a self-compassion condition reported greater motivation to make amends and not repeat a moral transgression, spent more time studying for a difficult test after not performing well, and reported greater motivation to change a personal weakness compared to participants in a self-esteem control condition, a positive distraction control condition, or no condition.

Self-compassion Therapy

Self-compassion can also lessen unpleasant emotions in the present, enable people to move forward from painful memories in the past, and change unhelpful beliefs, all of which can be important pieces of effective therapy. Below are some ways self-compassion may be incorporated into therapy:

- Increasing feelings of warmth and openness to oneself by first thinking about an (uncomplicated) object on affection – Perhaps a child, pet, inspirational figure, or even a fictional character.

- Approaching your internal experience with acceptance. This can be done by noticing and naming your experience (e.g., “I am feeling anxious right now”) and giving yourself permission to feel whatever you are feeling (e.g., “I am feeling anxious right now and that is okay. I am human”).

- Treating yourself with care and kindness. After acknowledging your feelings, you may ask yourself, “What would be helpful to me right now?” or “How can I take care of myself right now?” Then, practice listening to yourself.

- Understanding, and thanking, your inner critic in order to not battle with it. Your self-critical voice is likely trying to help you in some way (e.g., protect you from embarrassment) even though it ultimately is not helpful. Saying to your inner critic, “Thanks. I know you are trying to help me and you aren’t helpful to me right now” can lessen possible rumination on self-critical thoughts.

- Talking to yourself like you would a loved one. Think about what you would say to a loved one if they were in the same situation as you. Chances are, you would talk to them in a more compassionate way than you talk to yourself. Practice talking to yourself in the same way you would a loved one.

Contact CBT Denver Today

If you would like to learn more about self-compassion, and other acceptance-based techniques, please contact us at CBTDenver.