What is Gaslighting and How Do You Respond to it?
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where a person says false or confusing things that lead you to question your perception of reality. The term comes from the 1938 play Gas Light in which a husband drives his wife to question her sanity by dimming the lights in their home and denying doing so when she comments on them changing. Gaslighting can be an effective form of abuse because it leads the victim to question their sense of reality, therefore leaving the abuser in a position of control and power over them.
Gaslighting may happen gradually and can seem harmless initially. However, a pattern of consistent gaslighting can lead the abused to feel confused, anxious, isolated, or depressed. The person experiencing the gaslighting may lose a sense of what is objectively happening and rely on the abuser to define reality. It can take the form of comments such as “That never happened. I don’t know what you are talking about,” “Are you sure? You have a bad memory,” or, “It’s all in your head. That’s not what happened.”
Different Forms of Gaslighting and How to Recognize them
There are different forms of gaslighting and they may not be immediately recognized as such, making it all the more dangerous to become susceptible to them. Here are different warning signs to look out for in a potential abuser:
Pretending not to understand you or listen to you
Consistently questioning your memory or thoughts or calling you a liar
Constantly changing the subject when you question what is happening
Minimizing your needs or what is important to you
Pretending to forget things or denying things
If you recognize any of the above patterns in your relationship with someone, and think you are being subjected to a form of gaslighting, you are most likely experiencing either or all of the following:
Constantly second-guessing yourself
Consistently feeling confused or as if you are losing your sanity
Difficulty making simple decisions
Believing you can’t do anything right or are always making mistakes
Constantly apologizing to your partner
Feeling that something isn’t right, yet unable to pinpoint what exactly it is
Feeling less joyful, content, or happy
Regaining a Sense of Self-Belief & Reclaiming Your Own Reality
This Psychology Today article provides an overview of gaslighting. If you recognize signs of gaslighting in your relationship, it is important to use this knowledge to confirm what is happening so you can reclaim your sense of reality. It may be helpful to take notes on gaslighting comments/events to refer back to and remind yourself that you are not making things up.
Other helpful ways to respond to gaslighting include:
Speak up about the abusive comments and make it known that what is happening is not okay.
Try to stay calm and don’t let yourself get pulled into the abuser’s comments. It is natural to want to argue if what is being said is untrue or doesn’t make sense, and the abuser may want to amplify conflict or distress. Take a slow, deep breath and practice saying something like, “We see/remember the situation differently,” then change the subject or end the conversation. The less you engage, the less control you’re giving the abuser.
Spend time with supportive loved ones. Abusers often try to isolate their victims, and abuse can escalate in isolation. Communicate and check in with others regularly and if you feel comfortable, consider telling a supportive loved one what is happening so you can receive support.
Trust Your Instincts & Seek Professional Help
Even if you can’t properly express what it is that is making you feel like something is off – or better said, especially when this is the case – this is your instinct telling you something is wrong. Listen to it, confide in someone and seek out professional help – don’t allow yourself to become more and more isolated in this feeling.
To learn more about gaslighting and ways to cultivate effective relationships, please contact us at CBT Denver. We look forward to working with you on regaining your self-belief, personal empowerment and the tools needed for a happy and healthy relationship.