Losing a Parent
When my father passed away about five years ago, a friend of mine sent me a note. She had only lost her father the year before, and the note read “I am so sorry that you must now join me on this path of grief and loss. This path that we all must walk eventually, but that we hope will stay hidden from sight for just a bit longer”. Because my father died so suddenly, with no warning whatsoever, being on this path was disorienting and, because I had very little experience with loss (through death) at that point in my life, I was not sure what to expect. I did all the things – I grieved with my siblings, I attended the funeral, I signed a lot of papers, and I helped plan the gatherings. It was, however, about 6 months later when I was trying to sign my son into school, that I burst into tears and just decompensated right there in the school lobby. It dawned on me a bit later – “OH! Yeah, that was grief!”. My grief had chosen that moment to be known. In many ways I was thankful that it had been relatively quiet until then. It had allowed me to get organized and get things done – knowing maybe that I needed to be able to put one foot in front of the other for a bit – be practical and logical. But grief can be tricky. It can ebb and flow and it can show up in places that seemingly make no sense at all, and this can happen for a while.
Then, more recently, I lost my mom. This time I was able to make it to her in time to see her see me – awake and smiling. She made several conscious decisions that she knew would result in her death and I, as her daughter, had to stand by and support her despite feeling the crushing loss before she was even gone. I was lucky enough to spend the next week curled up with my mom and to be there when she took her last breath. Grief has visited me differently this time. I am acutely aware every day of her loss and I am forced to feel it all the time. There is no tucking this loss away until it lands on my head like a thud. And now here I am with no parents. And let me tell you, it’s weird. No matter how you lose someone you love, it’s hard. But losing a parent has an entire layer that just feels different.
We all have different experiences and feelings about our parents. This is true just in my own family of origin – we grieve differently based on our own narrative around these imperfect people that are our parents. Some of us speak to parents daily and some less frequently, if at all. There are rifts and regrets and colorful memories of road trips or weeks at the beach. We either strive to be like our parents or we vow to parent our own children differently. But eventually, many of us reach an age when roles are reversed. Parents need help with daily activities. They are stubborn and opinionated about moving to assisted living, or they need coordination of care with doctors and appointments. It is, without a doubt, a strange time this rite of passage that takes place somewhere between 40 and 60. During these years, if we look around, we often see friends contending with the same weirdness and there’s no book written on how to navigate these years seamlessly. Losing one parent was disorienting for sure, but losing two felt like the entire anchor was cut loose. Grief is compounded by trying to navigate this new world in which parents are gone. Losing a parent or parents can have a ripple effect on our sense of self, our sense of purpose, and our general sense of balance.
As we move through grief, which can mean years or a lifetime, we may experience depressed mood, poor sleep, irritability, or decreased concentration. I felt something odd – which was a persistent coldness. I could not get warm enough. But you won’t find that one in the DSM manual. No one can tell anyone how to grieve, but I think it makes sense to feel the feelings while not marinating in them. Small doses. Seeking social support is helpful and so is finding a way to connect to your lost parent (or any loved one) – speak to them, write to them, journal. Anniversaries can be tough – birthdays, holidays, etc. Cope ahead and prepare with some self-care and additional supports. And seek help if these symptoms start to feel overwhelming or they interfere with being present in your life for too long. And just know that when you lose your parent, you are in the company of all of us who are on that path along side you.
Mary Heekin, LCSW/CBT Denver