Trauma bonding may sound like two people connecting over a similar difficult experience. In actual fact, trauma bonding refers to the attachment someone feels toward someone who is being abusive or causing them harm. It may be difficult to understand how someone might develop an attachment to their abuser, but it is quite common.

An attachment often develops based on the cycle of abuse. In an abusive dynamic, there is a cyclical nature to the abuse: the tension builds, abusive behavior happens and is then followed by periods of repair and calm. These seemingly calm periods can create temporary feelings of safety, security, and a sense of connection between the abused and the abuser.

It is common for people who are abused to have complicated feelings toward their abuser as the relationship involves an extreme back and forth between periods of abuse and kindness.

Signs of Trauma Bonding

A common sign of trauma bonding is the abused person ignoring or denying signs of abuse. They may minimize it, try to pretend it is not happening, or intentionally not talk about it to others. It is also common for abuse to lead to isolation and for the affected person to withdraw from friends and loved ones.

Other signs of trauma bonding include keeping secrets from the abuser due to not wanting to upset them or others, and justifying/rationalizing the abuser’s behavior.

If you think you may be in a cycle of abuse or experiencing trauma bonding, pay attention to your thoughts and behaviors. Do you feel unsafe in the relationship? Are you withdrawing from your friends? Do you try to do, or not do, certain things to not upset the person you are with? Do you feel like you are constantly on edge or walking on eggshells in your relationship?

This Psychology Today article provides an overview of trauma bonding.

7 Stages of Trauma Bonding

While a trauma bond may not unfold in a set pattern, seven stages of traumatic bonding have been proposed. These are as follows:

• Love Bombing – The abuser engages in excessive flattery/compliments/acts of kindness toward the abused.

• Gaining Trust – The abuser engages in behavior to increase a sense of trust and dependency on them (being attentive and reliable, slowly cutting the abused off from others, etc.).

• Criticism – Once trust and dependency are established, the abuser starts to criticize the abused person to decrease their sense of self-esteem.

• Manipulation – The abuser engages in behavior that leads the abused person to doubt themselves and their reality.

• Resignation – The abused person gives in to the abuser to avoid conflict and upsetting the abuser.

• Loss of Self – The abused becomes dependent on the abuser and loses their sense of identity.

• Repetition/Stuck in the Cycle – Abusive behavior is followed by repair, love bombing, and a period of calm. This pattern is repeated again and again which can make it harder for the abused to leave and break the cycle.

Abusers are often emotionally manipulative and skilled at getting you to doubt yourself and believe or agree with their point of view even if it is inaccurate and harmful. You may come to doubt yourself and question your sense of reality. So, it is helpful to write down instances of abusive behavior as a way to look at your relationship more objectively.

It is also helpful to talk to someone you trust, particularly because the abusive relationship may lead you to be isolated from others. Talking to someone you trust can help you gain a different perspective and may increase your sense of understanding and clarity over the dynamics of the relationship.

Breaking A Trauma Bond

Being in a trauma bond can take a toll on your well-being and leave you feeling depleted. It is important to find ways to realistically engage in self-care behaviors and nurture yourself. For example, engaging in an enjoyable activity, taking a walk, or scheduling lunch with a friend.

A trauma bond may decrease your sense of self-esteem and self-worth so it can be helpful to engage in activities that lead you to feel good about yourself. Think about activities that enable you to feel capable or provide you with a sense of accomplishment.

Another important way to end a trauma bond is to safely end contact with an abuser. Ending an abusive relationship and cutting off contact safely often takes planning and having helpful resources in place such as trustworthy and supportive people you can turn to, access to money, and a safe place to stay.

CBT Denver offers treatments dedicated to learning more about helpful and healthy relationships and building interpersonal skills. For more information please contact us.