Grief is a universal human experience. In general terms, grief is the response to the loss of something significant to you such as the death of a loved one. There is no set or correct way to grieve and it is not a linear process. Grief may feel constant, at least initially, and it can come in waves. It can include physiological symptoms such as physical aches and pains and cognitive symptoms such as brain fog, confusion, and worry. You may feel overwhelmed by grief and express it outwardly, or you may feel numb and void of emotion.

While there is no set pattern to grief, Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross outlined five stages of grief in her book On Death and Dying. According to her, everyone experiences these stages though they do not necessarily happen in a specific order, if any order at all. Understanding the stages may shine some light on emotions you may be experiencing after a loss.

The 5 Stages of Grief & How they Manifest

Denial

Denial is a self-protective strategy a person falls back on to shield themselves from the shock and pain of the loss, by not accepting it as a reality. This may look like the person is not acknowledging that a death has happened or is refusing to talk about it.

Anger

Anger can arise from the pain the loss is causing. A person may direct their anger at the sense of injustice they feel – perhaps a loved one died at a young age – or at the loved one for no longer being there. It may be expressed through blaming others for the loss or being impatient and irritable.

Bargaining

Bargaining is a strategy where someone attempts to change the outcome of a loss or to feel less sadness by bargaining, or negotiating, with a higher power or the universe. This is often a way to feel a sense of control in an overwhelming and uncontrollable situation that cannot be reversed. It may take the form of statements such as “If you come back, I promise to be a better person”. A grieving person may also ask a lot of “What if” questions.  

Depression

Depression can result from the sadness and sense of hopelessness that can occur with grief. Symptoms of depression include persistent feelings of despondency, loss of interest, decreased concentration or energy, sleep changes, etc. Feelings of depression are natural and common with grief. If depressive symptoms persist over a long time, intervention may be helpful. 

Acceptance

Acceptance involves coming to terms with the reality of the loss. At this stage, a person is no longer denying or struggling with the reality of the loss, which can create a sense of freed-up energy. Focus is often placed on integrating the loss into your life and moving forward.

It’s Okay Not to Be Okay – This Too Shall Pass

This article by Harvard Health Publishing provides an overview of the five stages of grief. The process of grieving is different for everyone, there is no right way and certainly no timeline. Grief can feel emotionally messy and chaotic, regardless of which stage you are going through. It may feel like you are untethered and lost at sea, and it is okay if you do not feel okay while coping with a loss. Remember that, while you may always feel the loss, the pain will, eventually shift – but first you need to give yourself the space to feel it.

Be gentle with yourself and don’t put pressure on yourself to feel or act a certain way while you are going through your own personal process of grieving. If you need time for yourself, take it; if you need support, be sure to surround yourself with people who care for you.

To learn about ways to cope with grief and loss, please contact us at CBT Denver.