The holiday season is often filled with social gatherings with family, friends, and colleagues. Interpersonal interactions don’t always run smoothly and conflict-free this time of year, particularly with the added stress the holidays can bring. One way to improve socializing is to practice effective communication skills.

How to be an Effective Communicator

Effective communication is key to helpful and healthy interpersonal interactions – whether you are talking with a store employee while running an errand or having a more in-depth conversation with a loved one. Communicating effectively can be difficult, especially when you are experiencing increased stress and/or intense emotions. This is because effective communication requires emotional regulation and maintaining a degree of calmness. For example, yelling at your partner is not going to inspire a fruitful conversation.

The basis of effective communication is active listening. Active listening is a way of listening and responding to another person in a manner that increases mutual understanding. It is the practice of listening to understand rather than respond and involves making eye contact, giving the other person your full attention, using non-verbal behavior such as leaning forward or nodding, and not interrupting the other person. It also includes restating what someone is saying back to them, reflecting on what someone is feeling, and asking open-ended questions that cannot be answered with a simple yes or no. For example, How do you feel about that?

This New York Times article discusses 7 active listening skills based on the advice of an F.B.I. crisis negotiator. While most of us are not negotiating a hostage release in our daily lives, these skills aid general effective communication and include using minimal encouragers such as nodding your head, restating – in your own words – what the other person is saying, emotional labeling, where you seek to identify how the other person is feeling – “It seems as though you are upset” – and mirroring, which is when you repeat back the last words the other person just said.

Barriers to Effective Communication

Practicing active listening is a communication technique that helps to build stronger and more supportive relationships and decreases possible conflict. It allows for more successful problem-solving and conflict management, builds empathy, satisfaction and trust in relationships.

Furthermore, it typically requires slowing down: by focusing on listening rather than thinking about how you are going to respond, you are bound to build a better sense of self-awareness. This is because active listening is thoughtful and intentional and causes you to carefully consider your thoughts, feelings, and needs when communicating in this manner vs. responding impulsively.

Finding the Right & Time and Space to Communicate Effectively

There are many barriers to practicing effective communication. Below is a list of common barriers and ways you can manage them.

• Stress and Intense Emotion: With an increase in stress and emotional intensity, it is easier to misread others’ closed-off body language and non-verbal behavior, and communicate in an unhelpful way. For example, speaking in an irritated tone, not listening to the other person, etc. If you are experiencing strong emotions, it may be helpful to practice slow, deep breathing or take a break, before having a conversation.

• Lack of focus: You can’t give another person your full attention if you are multi-tasking or focused on something else. To communicate effectively, limit distractions and give the other person your full attention.

• Mismatched or unhelpful body language: Nonverbal body language should support what is being said not contradict it. For example, if you are saying, “I’m listening” yet you are turned away from the person and not making eye contact, your body language is saying “I’m not listening.” So, use open body language that matches the message you are trying to send – make eye contact, keep your arms open, lean forward a bit, nod your head, etc.

• Noise/Physical Environment: It is helpful to have a conversation at a time and in a place that is conducive to talking and listening. Being in a noisy, distracting, and/or physically uncomfortable space can hinder effective communication. For example, it is best not to have an important conversation in a noisy car five minutes before an appointment.

• Mental attitude: We all go into conversations with certain ideas and beliefs, and it is easy to make assumptions. However, assumptions and personal biases interfere with effective communication. Even if you know the other person you are speaking to well, aim to go into a conversation with an open mind and seek to listen and learn rather than focusing on telling the other person what you think.

To learn more about effective communication skills, please contact us at CBTDenver.